When you said Big News, I thought....

This seems to be the most common assumption people jump to these days.

"When you said you had something BIG to share with me, I thought you were pregnant lol"


And my "big news" is usually something like:

"I cut my finger with tin foil"


"I almost froze to death in the shower and melodramatically threatened to break the boiler with a screwdriver"


"Shane totally ate the doughnut that fell on the floor because he thinks it's okay as long as you follow the Five Second Rule (which basically states that any food item that fell on the floor can still be consumed as long as it gets picked up within five seconds). But I'm pretty sure I saw a stray hair sticking to that doughnut and I still didn't say anything. Should I be feeling guilty?"


"I finally got to strew abuses on the neighbours' stupid ginger cat. It parked it's ass right outside my window and looked at me like it was trying to say, 'Sup?', so I told that motherfucker that it was not welcome here and that I DO NOT take kindly to cats trying to make friends with me. I gave it a piece of my mind and totally made a point."


"I blamed my farts on my neighbours' stupid ginger cat because it was just sitting there asking for it. I mean, cats fart as well, don't they?"

Because that's as big as news can get in my life. THAT IS AS BIG AS THEY GET.

And all this, "I thought you were pregnant" nonsense just because I decided to get married last year. I mean, c'mon people! Just look at me. I'm only 24, I look 16 and behave like a 10 year old. The only time I get maternal instincts is when I see a puppy because puppies are cuter than human babies (admit it, accept it). I do have nieces and nephews that I adore because they're family, they're my blood and I love their parents so I automatically start doting on the kids. It's a chemical reaction thingy in the brain because you can't explain why you just like certain kids simply because they're related to you or because their parents are your friends/family. Most parents raise their kids to look and behave all cute and adorable and all I can think of is how these people and kids would react if I were to slap them (the kids mostly but sometimes even the parents). But then there are the badass kids that I feel attracted to and make friends with. Like the kid at the restaurant the other day. She was playing peekaboo with me from her seat (such an adorable and slap-worthy thing to do) so I started sticking my tongue out and waving at her frantically like a mad woman every time she looked at me. Then she got annoyed (sort of) and half giggled, half screamed to me, "Why do you keep DOING that (you stupid bitch)?". I'm sure the last part was implied. I hope it was. That's what makes me like the kid. Anyway, she must have been around 4 but she still calls out other people's bullshit publicly and that is amazing. When I grow up, I want to be that kid.