30 December, 2011.
It's 3 a.m in the morning so it's technically the 31st, I guess. New Years Eve. And I have managed to roll on the floor of my bathroom, crying my eyes out. I guess writing everything down will give me some closure and I'll finally be able to fall asleep.
So, around noon today (or yesterday), Brian sends me a text saying that he'd like to talk to me, asking me when I'd be free etc. Since I had nothing better to do and also because I was excited about talking to him, I said we could talk any time he wanted. He asked me to go online on Skype so that he could call me. We spoke for 30 whole minutes and it was like nothing had changed. Everything was back to normal and I could finally pour my heart out to him without holding anything back. He was also super chatty and fun and all smiles and giggles. I even flirted with him, telling him how his new hair-cut made him look chubby in an adorable way. 30 whole minutes! And then, BAM! He didn't even stop for breath before casually mentioning to me that he was seeing someone. I hadn't had lunch so I thought my heart was threatening to jump out of my mouth. I was nauseous! He just mentioned it the way you'd mention something to an acquaintance. And he was behaving like this was old news. Almost like, "oh hey, I almost forgot to tell you...". And apparently, it is old news because they've been together for over half a year now. Yep. He spared no details. Told me how he thought I should know because it's serious and they've been together for over six months and he's really happy at this point of his life and knew that I'd be thrilled for him too. Of course. Why wouldn't he think that I'd be thrilled for him? Especially after he didn't even have the courtesy to pick up his goddamn phone, call me once before committing to her, so that he could officially break up with me. But no, it had to be this way. So it basically means that I'd been a fucking fool for six whole months of my life, getting excited over his occasional texts and even flirting with him every now and then because I thought it was OK to do that. I have been a fool. Such a fool! I threw away six months of my life apparently, harboring feelings for a guy I loved to the moon and back, a guy who was busy flirting with another girl without even having the courtesy to break up with his ex-girlfriend. I feel cheated. There's no other way I can look at this. In the hours that I spent on that bathroom floor, I tried to understand him and justify his stance. I tried to look at him as his mother, sister, girl-friend, wife and friend. I tried to look at his decision and understand how he himself might try to justify what he did. But all I could conclude was that I had been taken on a ride. And I came out of it, pretty bruised and broken. I have been cheated.
The only thing that I'm thankful for is the fact that I didn't let any of this show while I was talking to him. He was watching me carefully and I just held everything back, smiled without missing a heart-beat and told him that I was really, really happy for him. I asked if she was someone I knew or someone he met at his uni. I had to know. I just had to. And his answer was contrary to what I'd hoped for. It was someone I knew very well. She was his classmate from the same school that we both went to. A girl who happened to be the Gabriela Su of his batch. I want to hate her but that doesn't feel justified. But who cares about justifying anything? I hate that bitch now. I feel more sorry for her. For I know that this is going to be her fate soon. If he could cheat on me, he'll do the same to her. That's how it is with boys. He could move on and forget me and start dating her with such ease. Even without breaking up with me. What makes her think he wouldn't do the same to her? What will she do when she wants security in her life and her family asks her to find a match that she can marry? If she's smart, she'll contact me and ask me what went wrong in our relationship. Then I can give her a heads up for the storm that's coming her way. It's not too pleasant to realize when it's too late that you're in a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I can only say that I'm thankful now that's it over and I have been saved from all the stress of dealing with him and this relationship.
I'm glad I didn't break down while talking to him but I also wish I hadn't said some desperate things to him. At the time, they seemed like the right things to say, but now I feel foolish for having said them. They did seem very dignified at the time, though. I kinda told him that I was happy for him and that I'd be with him always as a friend he could turn to at any time. He could count on me and tell me anything if he ever felt like confiding in a friend. I also said that sometimes you need to have a best friend even though you're dating other people and the bond we share can never be broken. He was being kind to me and it was killing me. Now I feel angry about it but at the time, I was fighting back tears. How dare he try to feel sorry for me? God, how foolish of me to say those nice things to him. The worst part was when he kind of told me that after having such a long conversation with me for the first time in about a year, he suddenly feels that some part of him still loves me and always will. Some crap like that. It broke my heart but I held a straight face and said that's very normal, people grow close for a reason and every single encounter leaves it's mark. Why did he even say that? How could he? To give me hope to hold on to? To punish me, as if what I was going through wasn't enough? And above everything else, it makes me feel all the more sorry for that girl because she's probably sitting on her high horse, feeling sorry for me or whatever, without even realizing that her boyfriend just told another girl that he still loves her. Jesus Christ, this mess!
How? How could he do this to me? If he saw me as a friend at least, he would have tried not to hurt me. He could have broken up with me. He could have just made that one phone call so that I'd not be fantasizing about him while he was busy getting cozy with another female from God knows where! 5 days ago. Just 5 days ago he'd texted me to wish me a Merry Christmas. I spoke to him about once every week. And not a hint. He was chatting with me and cracking jokes and flirting while he was "seriously" dating someone else. It was unfair. To the both of us. Both the girls here had been taken for a ride. But I feel shattered. I feel like I want to forgive him. Forgive him, murder her, and take him back. If she goes away, everything will go back to being normal. If she hadn't come in the way, none of this would have happened. He told me he still loves me. And I still love him. She's the one who's come in the way like a road block. She's the one breaking us up. I want her dead. I want her gone. I want to feel happy again but all I do is cry. I can't stop these tears from rolling down my cheeks. Nothing can stop them. Only he can and he's gone. He's gone, he's not mine anymore. I'm at a scary place where the idea of sneaking up to the roof seems appealing. Everyone's asleep and nobody would hear a thing. I could go up there and jump off to end this pain. It's easy but I can hear my own thoughts and see how crazy I'm being. I hate this. I want to jump off a cliff and end this misery. I want to curl up in bed and never wake up again. I could easily end this but I'm no fool. That's not what my parents raised me to become. I have big things ahead of me. I have goals and ambitions and big things to achieve. And I promise myself that I will achieve those goals. I will travel. I will do my masters in the UK itself if possible. I need to leave this behind me. I need to forget. It's not worth my while. If I don't matter to someone, then I'm in no way obliged to let them matter to me.
I promise myself that I will never forget this day. Today has been an eye opener for me. I will only set aside my time and energy for my profession and my purpose in life. I will only spend my precious time on what is worth-while. I promise myself to succeed in life. To achieve big things. On my own. I don't need a single soul to help me reach where I want to be. And I'm sure this will end. I promise myself that I'll make this misery end. It will tear my soul apart but it will end. And I will rise out of these flames like a phoenix and burn brighter than ever before. The very people who hurt me will shield their eyes before glancing at me. I'm the only friend I need. And I promise myself to always be there for me.
Goodbye, Brian. You're out of my life for good. It was for the best. I don't need someone like you to cast a shadow over the great things I'm capable of achieving. Goodbye.