09 March, 2011.
My Dearest Brian,
Happy Birthday! I'm sending you this mail because I had no idea what to get you for your birthday. I wanted it to be personal and to mean something. So, here goes.
It's been only 9 months since we got so close to each other but I feel like I've known you forever. If I could make just one wish to a genie, I'd wish that we could go back in time and hang out during those precious years in school. Those years where we were so close to each other, yet so far away. We never took the effort to get to know each other. I wish we could time-travel into the past and make the foundations of our friendship even stronger with time :)
But don't get me wrong, I truly cherish the time we spent together. I love how things have reversed for us now. We're so far away, yet so close! I understand that we both need some time off to figure things out but that's the beauty of the relationship we share! I have never known anything more pure in all these years of my life. So, I'm going to title this mail as "Love Letter" because this is my official love letter to you. It's funny to call it that at this stage but it's something you deserve :) We may have drifted apart but you're the only best friend I will ever know. You're the only one I could be my true self with. That's why I keep telling you how this is so different from what I've experienced in the past. All those crushes and those flings that I thought were real. Whatever I had with Vincent seems like child play after having been with someone as beautiful as you! Some people belong together but are never meant to be together. I don't know if things are gonna change in the future, or if things are really gonna work out in our favour. But I want you to know that I'm always there for you. No matter who comes into our lives and what changes time will bring about, I want you to know that I'm right here, just a heart-beat away. I will continue to be your best friend and you can wake me up in the middle of the night to safeguard your little secrets. And I'm sure I can expect the same from you. I should stop all this sentimental stuff because if I were writing this on paper, you'd see how I messed it all up with my tears haha!
Now for the birthday wish. You're the coolest, most funniest and the most amazing person I know. And I want nothing but the best for you! I hope you are blessed with all the happiness in the world. Seeing you smile lights up my life :)
With lots of hugs and kisses,
P.S. I want a reply to this letter, mister! I want my own love-letter for safe keeping :D So promise me you'll write me a love-letter? (you need to do it asap or your new girlfriend won't let you) ;)
After pressing send, I just wept. I don't know for how long but I couldn't even sit up to look at the screen. It was too painful. I hate being away from him. I hate this distance. Not the physical distance but the emotional one. I don't know if there's any going back. Sometimes your ego just reaches it's zenith and things change permanently. I can't even remember how it got to being like this. But I truly, truly wish things went back to being the way they were. And to think that it was something so silly that we can't even remember why we drifted apart!
Towards Christmas last year, Brian and I started having some problems. They weren't very serious and we mostly got around working our way through them. But I remember an argument about him wanting to go out for drinks on New Years'. And I wasn't very happy with that. One thing led to another and he did end up going (just to spite me I guess), and in the process, pissed me off big time and we didn't even wish each other on New Years Eve. In fact, we didn't talk for about 10 days after that. Truthfully speaking, we had been fighting on and off even before this big fight. It would usually start with him saying something hurtful about the whole wedding thing and how he wouldn't cooperate. Then that would escalate and we'd just stop talking for days. He used to call me initially because he had way more free time than I did. But I'd be so mad that I'd just put my phone on silent mode and leave it somewhere. Sometimes there'd be around 10-15 missed calls a day. But I'd be too mad at him to talk. With time, the missed calls went down in number as expected. The fights usually ended with me replying to one of his texts. But things weren't as complicated as they are now. They weren't meant to get complicated. I think the gap after New Years was the longest we actually spent without talking to each other. And even after we started talking, things were not as cool as before. There was a kind of distance. The wedding thing kept coming up and we finally decided never to discuss that again. It made me so angry that we actually ended up taking a month long break. So, we started talking last month, and he was sweet as hell. He was really really nice to me, and I to him. It seemed like a comfortable arrangement so neither of us has taken the initiative to take things back to what they were. So there was never an official break-up. Just this distance. But now I'm coming to terms with it. I try to keep myself busy as hell by joining more cultural clubs at the uni. So with my studies and all the club activities and my friends, I don't give myself a lot of time to grieve. But composing that mail kinda did it for me. I could take it no longer. I really wish things would just go back to normal. And I'm sure he wants that too. But I'm too scared to take the first step again.
I do have hope because we're still pretty close. We text almost every single day and he kinda knows everything that happens in my life. He knows I'm there for him and I know he'll always look out for me. Whenever he has a test or something stressful, he'd call me up and talk for a bit. Says it calms him down :)
All's not lost. And I guess this is just a phase. We're adults and we're handling our problems like adults. I'm hopeful and something tells me that everything will work out for the best, eventually. Maybe this break is what we truly need. It's not like we're seeing other people or anything, right? He still makes me feel like his leading lady and to be honest, something about this arrangement is also very romantic. Many years later, it could be an interesting story to tell our grand-children. Provided we end up together and have kids and grand-kids together. Oh, well. Let's see where this takes us.
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