January-February Braindump

Who's been here since May 26, 2016, when I wrote my first braindump on this blog? Ah, the memories, the immaturity that's prevalent to this day, the rose-tinted worldview of a newly married couple that's...also kinda prevalent to this day. So in summary, not much growing up has happened in close to four years, I'm still madly in love, it has been a whole year since I wrote my last braindump, and I've missed this. I've missed this so bad!

Sorry for all the blowing up I've done over the past few blog posts. I feel like I've been blowing up here since November last year and although I'm notorious for oversharing, I've shared some of the nastier parts of being alive more openly now because, umm, I don't give a fuck anymore.

When I was barely an adult a few years ago, I used to make a huge effort to appear to have risen above all the nastiness of other people, to pretend as if that thing they said to me or my loved ones didn't affect me for days on end, as if I'm not even thinking about them or the thing that's upsetting me. Now that I don't give a fuck, not only do I voice my frustration/anger/disbelief/sadness/all-them-feels more openly and honestly, but I also allow myself to sit in silence for a bit and feel the feelings. To really think about the how and the why of the feelings and come to terms with it. I don't try to control, or worse, ignore it anymore. I'm all for "positive thinking" and "you manifest what you feel" etc. but bruh, there's such a thing as "mental health" - have you ever heard of it? - and you need to listen to your therapist when they try to teach you how to actively manage the triggers in your own unique situation.

Just this morning, I dreamt that one of the nasties in my life made their way to my pregnant friend's mom and convinced her that "angry potty-mouthed" Ankita should never be allowed near her unborn grandchild. My friend immediately rung me in the dream to inform me of this nonsense and it took me just two dream-seconds to decide to get in a car (I don't drive IRL) and go to the nasty bitch's house at 10 pm DMT (Dream Meanie Time) to confront her. I was so angry in my dream. I'm so angry now just thinking about it. I need to get to the bottom of all this anger.

But apart from occasionally wanting to shake up a can of sugary coke and spray it on the person/situation that's upsetting me, I'm going through one of the most amazing phases of my life. Life goals are being achieved, milestones unlocked and dreams are coming true albeit at a pace faster than we're necessarily comfortable with. There's genuine happiness at home and work, and a lot of giddy excitement on the home front especially because Shane and I...are up to something. We may have done a thing. A big thing. A THING, if you like, and we're staying up at night, holding hands and whispering more of our dreams surrounding this THING to each other.

Don't go guessing already. It could be anything and I'd love to be the first one telling you around May/June this year if all goes well. So patience, my young Padua(s).

I mentioned that things are happening at a pace which we're not necessarily comfortable with and I wish I didn't feel that way but I've been as anxious as I've been excited. You won't be surprised to know that I had a timeline in mind for when I thought certain things would happen, but our THING here has now come and thrown a big fat bowling ball straight at my carefully arranged pins before I've had the chance to dive out of the lane. I want it to be a perfect strike - I really, really do - but I also hope I don't get hurt in the process.

We're also dangerously close to pulling a Shane this year. In late 2014, Shane and I had more balls in the air than hands to juggle with, but as you might remember from my blog post in 2018, it all worked out more perfectly than we could have ever hoped for. I'm sitting here writing about hopes, dreams and plans because it worked out that beautifully. Here's hoping that we don't even feel like we pulled a Shane by the middle of this year, which is when, according to my new project timeline (😉), the dust will begin to settle in the Shankita household.

So, in summary,

  • I'm occasionally angry because of dreams about people who are no longer a part of my life
  • I'm more happy and excited than angry
  • I'm as anxious as I'm excited but it's good anxiety that spurs me into action to get shit done
  • I'm feeling super positive despite my anxiety - just need to remember to breathe
  • I don't know yet if we're pulling a Shane this year
  • I need to start driving in the UK although most of the people I want to confront in my dreams don't even live near me

More updates to come as and when I try to make sense of ALLLL the feelings I'm feeling these days. This has helped.