Last weekend, I was going through my archives which by the way, only I have access to because my Tech guy is a lazy piece of shit (I'm looking at you SHANE!). Although, my search button is working now because I threatened to cut his ice-cream privileges (again) if he didn't fix it. So Hurray! Happy searching for posts on my website, people! But coming back to the point, it's when I was going through my archives that I came across this post where I related my painful experience of being forced to code because The Husband felt that I needed a distraction. I almost cried out of frustration that day and also realised that if/when we have kids, he's going to be a fucking tyrant with them. Because he wasn't screaming at me or anything. He was just being weirdly patient, calm and annoyingly persistent. He made it clear to me as calmly and politely as humanly possible that I wasn't leaving my chair till I logically explained a way to solve the problem. That reminds me of something Madam Madan told me the other day. The apartment she rented out when she came to Edinburgh had neighbours who had adopted a cute black Labrador. This Lab was being trained to become a guide dog for the blind but she was so over-enthusiastic that she failed her "are-you-fit-to-be-a-guide-for-the-blind-?" test. Madam Madan felt that the fact that this Lab had failed her test was cute and endearing. But had it been her own kid, she would have been really mad. I'm that black Labrador in our family because the fact that I suck at Math, Science and Computers is almost endearing to my husband. However, if our future kids were to show "signs of weakness", he might just leave his job to become a stay at home tutor-dad who will not quit till they show interest in the subjects he likes. This blog will have to support our family. Huh. I WOULD LOVE THAT!
But knowing our kids (oh yes, I feel like I know them already because if two depraved individuals like us have to produce an offspring and contribute to the population and pollution of this world, that kid is going to be an anomaly) I'm quite positive they'll try to find a loop-hole to attack from. So when our kids do their research, I want them to come across this epic story of failure that they can use against their Science-Nazi of a dad.
Let me take you back in time to the early 2000's when The Husband and I were in the same school but in different classes because of the "segregation based on our selection of second languages" that I had mentioned in this post. It was a time when I was a little bit in love with Madam Madan and didn't even know that my future husband was sitting in the very next classroom (or that he even existed). It was a time when I had picked French for my Third Language and he had picked Hindi. It was a time when I sucked at my third language and he sucked even harder at his.
In our school, we had a system of monthly tests where we had formal exams every single month. They lasted for a duration of three days and we had as many as three exams in a day. It was a stressful time especially compared to the leisure of our adult lives. Seriously, why does everyone like putting little kids through so much stress? Anyway, during one of our monthly tests, the guy sitting next to The Husband was a junior who was struggling with his Computer Science paper. The Husband, upon noticing his struggle, offered to help him out. He basically wrote this boy's entire answer paper for him and later learned that the boy had scored something in the 90's out of 100. So the next day, when this boy noticed The Husband struggling with his Hindi paper (and that struggle my friends, was no ordinary struggle), he thought that he'd help the nice guy who practically wrote his entire Computer Science paper for him. Because The Husband does not do languages. Especially Hindi, despite the influence of Bollywood in the lives of all Indians. This is something you will only believe if you meet him in person and try to converse with him in the most common tongue of our country. It's so funny that it's sad.
So there was a one-word section on synonyms or antonyms in the question paper and the boy told The Husband that he had gotten one answer wrong.
"Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure my answer is correct", said The Husband.
"Oh, I'm sure. That is definitely wrong."
So The Husband juggled the idea of changing his answer to what the boy had suggested because he didn't want to lose one mark because of a blunder made in the examination hall. Finally, before turning in his paper, he decided to take the risk and changed his answer. When the results came out, The Husband had scored 1 out of 100. And that 1 mark was courtesy the answer given by the boy who sat next to him. Now for the epic part of the story. When he took his Progress Report to his dad to get it signed, my father-in-law looked at it for some time and remarked, "What happened with your Hindi paper this time? There's an improvement. Congrats".
So Dear Future Kid(s),
I get back at your Daddy by dragging his ass to Bollywood movies that he fails to parse even with subtitles. This story is my gift to you - a weapon that you should use against him every time he tries to torture you the way he tortured me. Because remember, Daddy was and continues to be a little bit of a loser. Our future dogs agree.
Lots of love,
Mama.
Photo credit: Cars10s PhoToes via VisualHunt / CC BY