I was sitting on my couch, talking to my parents this morning when the mailman gave me a heart attack by shoving things that were not meant to be shoved through the tiny slit on my door. For example, a 454 pages thick novel. If such a big book could actually fit through what seemed like a very tiny opening, then maybe the myth that children come flying out of tiny vaginas might actually be true. I might even try it some day.
But what has inspired me to write this post today is something that came along with this book. It was a liquid lipstick that I saw someone on YouTube wearing and thought was absolutely gorgeous. I found out what brand and colour it was, tried to find it on Amazon, realised that it had to be shipped from the US, paid extra for shipping, and waited in anticipation to get my hands on it and start looking like a diva already. So when it arrived this morning, instead of my usual thing of gushing over the book first, I took this lipstick to the bathroom and tried it on. That's when I remembered that I was brown and that sometimes the things that look good on white people don't necessarily look good on people with my skin tone. FML.
So here's a list of things I've spent money on in the past, only to regret later:
NYX Liquid Suede 07 Sandstorm: Let's start off with the very same liquid lipstick I was talking about just a second ago. You see, when a colour like SANDSTORM is applied against skin that already looks like a SANDSTORM, it might appear as though one does not even have lips. If you look at my face right now, you'd wonder where the tiny opening is.
A 30-piece pack of needles and black thread: One morning, Shane walked up to me sporting his underwear and a very adorable pout because one of the buttons on his favourite black shirt had fallen off. Those damn maternal instincts immediately kicked in and I went on Amazon to order a sewing kit. When it arrived, I remembered that I didn't know how to sew. It's still sitting around in the house in the hopes that I might actually learn to use it some day.
A polaroid fisheye clip-on lens for my phone: Because I thought it was going to help me take amazing photos with my phone. But the damn thing was so tiny that I lost it before I managed to take even ONE photo. NOT EVEN ONE! I'm not someone who loses things that easily but I can't for the life of me, remember where I misplaced this item that was supposed to revolutionize my photo-taking experience.
A blackhead remover tool-kit of 5 pieces: This wasn't me, this was Shane. He complained about blackheads on his nose and I told him about the blackhead removal strips that he had to buy. Once again to clarify, I said strips. He looked it up online and said "woah, this looks complicated. Will you help me with this?" and I promised that I would help him. What arrived in the mail was this.
And I had no fucking clue how to help him with all that equipment. But he, in turn, had no clue that he had ordered the wrong thing. What I had at my disposal were sharp pointy objects and a very willing body to conduct experiments on. Let's just say that it was a mostly satisfying experience (for me) and the only thing that grossed me out in the end was the blood on his nose. We never did it again but it's still sitting in my house because HAVE YOU SEEN HOW PRETTY AND SHINY IT IS?
This shower curtain:
When I found it, I was so blindly in love with it that I blindly ordered it without checking a) the measurements and b) the care instructions. It turned out to be a) so enormous that we could kill a well-built man and wrap the body in it and b) such bad quality that it wasn't supposed to be washed ever. Without reading the care instructions, yours truly shoved it in the washing machine and the print on it came off in patches. Apparently, you weren't' allowed to wash it but if you so desperately wanted to clean it, you could wipe it. I cannot possibly live in a house where the shower curtain is wiped and not washed. I mean, HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF MILDEW?
A pack of 4, five-litre containers of white vinegar:
Because I watch cleaning videos y'all. And white vinegar is great for cleaning. For a while, I was delusional enough to think that I was going to start making my own cleaning products for my home. So I bought all this white vinegar. When it arrived, the poor man carrying it looked at me and said, "Darling, I'm going to place this inside your house for you because there's no way in hell you're going to be able to lift this", and he was right because I almost snapped my spine in two when I tried to lift the box after he left. I placed one of the 5-litre cans in the laundry room to use as fabric softener and cleanser for my cleaning cloths, and the other three under the kitchen sink to start a meth lab in there. The one in the laundry room hardly ever gets used because I still find it hard to lift just one can. And the methlab is just going to have to wait 'cos I DONE FUCKED UP Y'ALL!
This Russel Hobbs hand mixer: Because last February to celebrate Shane's birthday, I baked him cupcakes.
And when I tried making the icing, I realised that a) I didn't have caster sugar and b) I didn't have an electric mixer. So the icing was a fail, but the cakes turned out okay. A lot of drinking must have surely followed because I somehow convinced myself that I was a good baker and the only thing in the way of my baking success was the lack of caster sugar and a hand-held electric mixer. So I bought this.
And never used it. Ever.
There are a few more that I could add to this list, like a bunch of plants I killed and a few clothes that arrived in Shane's size instead of mine, but documenting them here would just be sad. Sadder than the fugly 'Queen Bee' bag that I'm carrying in that post image. Sadder than the fact that my husband actually bought it for me, and that I could maybe fit in it, and that I still carry it around every time I go grocery shopping. That's my sacrifice for the environment. I'll accept aaalllll that sadness for the sake of not having to buy extra plastic bags because global warming is a real thing y'all. I'm on team Leo especially now that it snowed more in Greece than in Scotland.
But let's all stop feeling sorry for me for a minute and turn the attention on you guys. Before you all go off and have a hell of a weekend, tell me in the comments below if there's anything that you regret buying. And then, share this post with 10 people so that you buy something useful this weekend. See you on Monday!