From the title and the tag #husbandshenanigans, you must have already guessed what this post is about. So here's a very random list of things I have (finally) come to accept as a normal part of my day to day existence:
The Explosive Gibberish: We could be cooking or cleaning or eating or playing when this happens. The Husband suddenly says something like, "Kyle is such an idiot! He should DIE for being so stupid.". He doesn't just make a statement. This is often accompanied by frustrated hand gestures including the random tossing of the materials in his near vicinity. So like any normal person would do, I ask him who Kyle is. All I get in reply is a blank stare.
The Blank Stare: When I ask him questions like, "Who's this Kyle you're so mad at?", he just goes blank and stares at one fixed point for a long, long time. If the fixed point happens to be my face, then owing to the fact that it moves, he might snap out of it. But if it happens to be another point at a distance, then he just keeps staring. I have reached a point where I repeat all my questions to him at least 5 times without even pausing for breath. Because when I do that, his brain compiles the fact that something is out of the ordinary. No one repeats the same thing 5 times without pausing for breath. That does it most of the time and I get my partial reply. But on occasions when I'm too tired to do this exercise, I just ask once and leave it at that. But believe it or not, I always get a reply, albeit 10 minutes later. Because his brain does process the question although he isn't actively taking the effort to pay attention.
Befuddled Reality: Sometimes we talk for hours straight and I get random insights from his beautiful mind. The way he thinks and arrives at conclusions. How he always has a perfect strategy to win arguments. Those conversations are beautiful. But an hour after we're done talking and I'm slowly drifting into sleep, he exclaims, "Oh my God! I just finished the rest of the conversation in my head! I was still talking to you but all the talking happened in my head. What was the last thing I verbally articulated to you?". Yes, he actually uses the words "verbally articulated" like it's normal to talk like C3PO. That's when I throw my hands up in the air, give up and turn around to get some much needed sleep.
Psychedelic Dreams?: I don't know if he has those. I think what I described in 2 above ^ might be related (?). Anyway. Sometimes when he doesn't respond for whatever reason, my frustration gets the better of me and I physically shake this man who is more than twice my size and weight and plead with him to "respect my authoritaaaaaaaay!!". And when he finally pays attention to his surroundings, I tell him, "Dude, I know I married you and all that but the next time you do this, I will have to slap those specs off your face like a good Indian mother.".
The Oral Stage: I have noticed that this person is sometimes more like an overgrown baby who has still not grown out of the "oral stage" where anything you don't seem to understand goes straight into the mouth. He has tasted baking soda, marinated meat, plain pancake batter, a new USB (I think that's what those things are called), my new plant, and possibly, even the grill in our oven or his own fucking chest hair. How is he still alive? How does tasting something make you wiser? I don't know ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The Restless Everything Syndrome: This is when you notice that a person does not remain still even if his life depends on it. Something keeps moving at all time. It could be a hand, a head, a strand of hair, or even a nostril. But in most cases, it's the annoying leg. When we're at the movies, I know he's enjoying it when the whole row of seats starts moving in unison like we're sitting on dryers instead of plain movie hall seats. If you watch our entire wedding video, you will notice how I dig my nails into his palms every few seconds to remind him to stop shaking that friggin' leg! While we're watching TV, he tries to break off the nail on one toe with his other toe, while vigorously shaking that leg. "Again, dude, I love you and all that but you have got to STAHP before I bite those toes off!".
There. I feel so relieved now that I have whined yet again. I also feel like I just listed out the symptoms for a disorder as if The Husband is a child with special needs. But to be fair, I think he may be mildly dyslexic and we found out only very recently. He always messes up his spellings and letters when he's made to write with his hands. Typing makes sense to him. The letters on the keyboard make sense to him because he understands patterns. But physically writing is difficult without practice. That is why as a child, he had enough practice by writing in class and by giving exams so he turned out okay. But now that he never picks up a pen to write anything, he messes up his letters and spellings. Huh.
Now how the fuck does one use patterns to catch a person's attention?