These are some of the conversations that take place at 22 Nelson Street and I realise that they need to be recorded for future reference. Because I want to make it easy for our kids to be able to prove to us that we're horrible people. For the sake of security and protection from our future kids, I shall refrain from mentioning who said what, so that we can play a little blame game and point fingers at each other to confuse the living shit out of our poor, unfortunate little future offspring. So based on your knowledge of Shankita, please feel free to guess "kisne kisse (kya) kahan?" or "who said what to whom?"...
"Am I getting fat?"
"No, honey, you're the most good looking person I know."
"That's barely the answer to my question."
"Am I short?"
"No, love, you're the tallest person I know."
"See?"
"Yep."
"Nothing makes sense. Existence and all that. Such a vast topic, isn't it?"
"Well, it starts from the root level. Like when the sperm and the egg fuck and make a baby."
"I'm pretty sure that's not what happens in there."
"You get the point."
"Please stop talking."
"Why is it that people don't create a fuss whenever someone says something grammatically incorrect in our mother-tongue but the internet breaks if you type one grammatically incorrect sentence in English? Language is so weird. The rules are so strange."
"...My question was, omelette or takeaway?"
"Did you see that poster with the scary kid? I think it's a horror movie. We should go for it."
"That's a poster for a musical. And that's just a normal kid."
"But it looks weird. Like it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and start screaming."
"That's what babies and kids do."
"No. That's what haunted dolls like Annabelle do."
"Wow. Did you just compare kids to haunted dolls?"
"Am I a bad person?"
"Well I hope you are."
"What do you mean?"
"Most people are good. Or at least they like to believe that they're good people with a conscience. People with a conscience feel bad about the things they say and do and end up creating a living hell for themselves. They can never escape their own private hells. So the next time someone says or does something to hurt you, all you have to do is pray that he/she is a good human being. They'll make their own lives miserable eventually. Do you live in a private hell with unwarranted guilt?"
"No. But I think I want to say yes because otherwise I'm not a very good person."
"Exactly why I married you."
"We need to get a dog."
"Sure, a dog and cat."
"Who even likes cats? Nobody in this house likes cats."
"I do."
"Nobody in this house likes cats."
"People are insignificant, fickle, disposable, and replaceable."
"Not the ones we like. But the rest will all die."
"They all die."
"I want this egg cracker-separator kitchen tool."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. It looks so amazing that I want to marry it and have it's egg-cracker-separator-kitchen-tool babies."
"Okaaaaay. You can stop talking now."
"Sainsburys is doing this very cheeky thing."
"What now?"
"I went in to buy bread. Just bread. But look what they left right next to the bread. Desserts. They know I'll buy the ready-made desserts if they leave it right next to the bread."
"Do you want to do something special on Valentine's Day, just the two of us?"
"Sure, let's go out for sushi with The Bromance"