Social Media Cold Wars

If the title triggered mixed emotions of guilt and shame for not knowing a thing about the actual Cold War (because, you know, you don't give a flying fuck about history and that kinda shit), worry not. If you google search "cold war for dummies" and click on the very first link, it'll take you to, a website for kids. And if you're too lazy to google search, just click on the link that I've provided, knowing fully well that you weren't going to click it anyway. Now that I've gotten you all excited and prepped for what you might think is going to be a history lesson, let me get to the point by first, telling you that I was just messing with you because that makes me happy. I shall now jump straight to the point without an intro because I used up the space for an intro, talking about things that have nothing to do with anything, whatsoever (teehee).

Almost all of the world's population lives on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and other social media websites that I know nothing about (because I live under a rock and feel old even admitting to this). And although I was one of those kinds of losers who joined Facebook only 5 years after it was launched in 2004, and was already almost an adult at the time, and had no clue how it (or the "intranetssss") worked, I have, over the years, noticed a trend which can be called a modern day cold war between all kinds of people (age no bar). I should probably mention now that I have begun to degrade myself anyway, that I only joined Twitter this year (in friggin 2015!) and Instagram around two years ago. Snapchat didn't make sense to me and neither did Tumblr (there, I know two extra whatsitcalleds). But the trend is common in all these platforms nonetheless.

It goes somewhat like this:

  • "What? It's been two hours since I changed my profile picture and she hasn't liked it yet? And she's online. OMG I can see she's online! Wait, what? The bitch went and liked my archenemy's profile pic and not mine? THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!!!!"

Retaliation: Not liking this person's posts in return because, you know, you gotta make a point and it's important!

In extreme cases: Blocking, Unfollowing (mostly on Instagram and Twitter).

Reaction expected: "I know that thou art QUEEN and I have learnt me lesson, my Queen. Thou shalt not be offended no more!! I shalt like thine posts ASAP!" (totally rocking the Shakespeare vibe)

The opposite of the above mentioned scenario is when you hear someone thinking out loud and you laugh your arse off because their thoughts run like this:

"I liked her post on both Instagram and Facebook. I hope she knows what a true friend I am."

Scenario number two:

  • "I don't care that I'm a grown-ass adult and am old enough to be your grandfather, kiddo. But you messed with the wrong person when you forgot to wish my cat on her birthday. I'll show you who's boss by ignoring your posts on social media because that's how we youngsters punish other hooomans. My cat agrees."

Retaliation: Sudden disregard for this person's posts on social media, even the ones addressing and/or tagging the offended.

In extreme cases: Blocking and Unfollowing.

Reaction expected: "Gee, I wonder why Uncle Sam is not replying to my Tweets anymore. I must have offended him by not wishing his cat on her Birthday. Let me make this right by falling at his feet and begging for forgiveness. I might also want to buy special bath salts as gifts for his cat and lick her ass. And while I'm at it, I might as well lick his ass too"

The other extreme is when the same people who were waging a Cold War with you on the "intranetsss", suddenly decide to like you one fine morning, because you left a kind comment on the latest picture of them sunbathing in friggin Chicago for all you care, or because you actually bought bath salts for yourself and they mistook them as bath salts for their cat. It's only when you suddenly receive a friend request on Facebook from this person who you thought had died or whatever, that you realize that they had in fact, blocked you, and couldn't see your posts after unblocking you, so had to walk the "naked walk of shame" and re-send a friend request! Oh, the little joys of life! This is also applicable when you see that someone you thought was already following you on Instagram and Twitter, starts following you again, and you realize that they had expected you to feel sorry when they unfollowed you, God knows how many days/weeks/months/years back.

This scenario goes more or less like this:

"I may have hated you till two seconds ago but now I have decided to like you and call you my bestestest friend in the whole wide world. Here, let me show you my solidarity by commenting on a few of your posts because that's what real friends do."

Moving on, I hope you haven't been feeling disappointed that I didn't mention events like those in the actual Cold War. Because I have a treat for you as that too happens on social media, love. It's the one place in the world that encourages jealousy and competition more than a 10th grade Indian classroom.

"You ate a banana? Here's a picture of me eating a bigger banana. Bitch. Take that." (BANANA in the Minion voice only, please)

Remember that joke about how things would be different if women ruled the world? I think it said that there wouldn't be wars anymore, just a bunch of countries that didn't speak to each other. Well, I've got news for you. You have already created that world. And it didn't take women to do it as per that sexist joke. The earlier you understand that the Internet is a world on it's own where wars are already being waged, the better. And then there are people like me who just love, love, luuuurve calling out other people's bullshit and in turn making a fool of themselves.




Wait a minute. This ain't no play. I've got more to say.

Advice from the heart: If seeing a person's posts on Facebook pisses you off and ruins your morning to the extent that even a strong cup of coffee can't revive you, go to their profile and click on the "Unfollow" button. That way, you're still on their friends list but don't have to see a thing they put up anymore (without having to block them!!! The miracles of Christmas!)

Disclaimer: This advice is not for the weak-hearted. This works only if you can survive the urge to find out everything that's happening in their lives, every single day. If you find yourself suffering from withdrawals and re-visiting their page just to stalk them, you have issues.

Peace Out.
For real, this time.