This is something that would usually go on a favourite's post but I think it deserves its own space on my blog.
Recently, my childhood best friend Madam Madan (aka my "side chick" according to my husband) introduced me to an Instagram account run by a young South Asian woman, possibly (most definitely) Pakistani, whose identity still remains unknown.
The account is called The Swinery and she's created an entire array of characters using the simple avatar (memoji?) tool on apple products. These characters are obviously based on high-society Desis she's come across in real life. And as a fellow South Asian, these are caricatures that I myself have come across and wanted to slap repeatedly for almost three decades now.
Allow me to list a few of my favourites.
The little Koala Bear: All his conversations are with his teacher who, unbeknownst to his naive self, is sleeping with his father. His father's favourite way of addressing him is by saying "shudapp you little asshole bastard" and from time to time, everyone in his life addresses him that way. He only speaks in English, has a bit of a put-on accent and is most definitely a kid I'd inflict a thousand mummy-slaps on.
"Why are you saying me thad? I don' gat id." *Slaps*
Obnoxious rich boy studying abroad: The most "chuthiya" caricature of them all, if you ask me. He studies in Canada, hates coming back to Pakistan because it's beneath him now, and is constantly attempting to show off in front of his friend(s).
I've met this guy and so have you. If you see him in person before I do, please pass on a tight fucking bitchslap from me.
Sorry if you don't understand Hindi at all. This loser speaks in a mix of both languages.
That bitchy aunty in your family/neighbourhood/parents' friends circle: I saved the best for the last. I live to see this woman talk about her friend Shazia's daughter. The extent of her hate for (and obsession with) this younger woman is typical of bitchy aunties you've met at your South Asian gatherings.
She's well off, speaks with a high-society South-Asian-English twang, and is a right bitch you want to push down the stairs. Enjoy!
The hashtag is #shaziasdottuh if you, like me, want to follow along on her bitchy journey.
And now for the most mind-blowing aspect of this Instagram account: most, if not all, of these characters are related to each other.
The bitchy aunty is the koala bear kid's teacher (who is sleeping with his dad) and I think the obnoxious rich boy might be our bitchy aunty's son. Oh, and there's another bonus character for those of you who've read this far. Presenting our bitchy aunty's mother-in-law who, like us, hates her guts:
Once again, sorry if you don't understand a word of Hindi. She's basically commenting on her daughter-in-law's obsession with Shazia's daughter and her comments are peppered with some classic South Asian mum-in-law levels of age/class/fat shaming.
As you can tell, I have spent hours on this profile and have occasionally taken to screaming "shudapp you little asshole bastard" every time Shane opens his mouth to speak to me.
But needlessly abusing my husband aside, this Instagram profile has contributed to much philosophical debate in our household about whether or not the creator is, in fact, Shazia's dottuh. Any clarification from the creator or further debate from fans is most welcome.