My dearest sweetie pie/cuppy cake/demon spawn,
The birthday celebrations went swimmingly for you. I mean, everything went your way. EVERYTHING. Everyone was nice to you. Our AirBnB hosts were kind and helpful. Their place was so comfy. All the places we ate at had amazing atmospheres. The food - orgasmic. We had awesome leg-numbing walks. We saw so much cool shit, including Queen Victoria's commode (I'll let you explain that to your readers).
Which is why it's so important to point out all the stupid things that happened. Because you might just forget about them and how they made you feel. I know. I'm so great at being your best friend. You can thank me later. Read on.
That time you mistook China for Russia on a World Map. It took you about 20 seconds to figure it out while I desperately clutched my sides trying not to laugh.
That time we had this conversation -
A: My farts are like perfume. Whenever we need room-freshener in the house, I poop.
S: You what?
A: I fart.
S: That's not what you said. (Choking painfully from trying not to laugh)
A: Yes, it is.
That time where you tried to describe a place.
S: Where is this place we're going to?
A: Oh, I've read about it. It's this famous place that embodies the city's hobo culture.
S: The what, now? That doesn't sound right at all.
A: (Sheepishly) I think it was hobo.
The word she was looking for was boho, as in Bohemian.
That time when I asked you to find the way to the Marina, you showed me this.
You thought this was a special inland marina. Bless your heart.
That time when I asked you to wipe your nose, you got so confused that you spat in my face instead. Why? Just, why?
That time when you saw a prison bar photo booth setup in front of the SeaLife Centre and had a little giggle fest when you realised that you could slip right through the bars.
That time when you made a fuss about posing with the turtles through the view-hole for children. You ended up with a view of turtle-holes instead.
That time when you badly wanted to go through the entrance for kids and you ended up losing your way in there and bumping your head really hard.
That time you sat confused in a children's arcade machine for a full minute thinking you were playing the game until I pointed out the fact that you were staring at the welcome screen animations.
That time you started talking to the fish just like every other time you meet an animate object.
If you found that one hilarious, here's a blast from the past.
That time it started raining and you put your hood on and claimed you were a ninja with full-on embarrassing hand gestures.
That time you had a little meltdown when I won the 'I love you more' game on your birthday. For context, we have this constant back and forth where when one of us says 'I love you' and the other replies with 'I love you more', instead of 'I love you too'. Can't remember how and where we picked it up, but now it's a contest where the person who gets to say 'I love you more' wins.
A: Awwwww. Thanks, love you.
S: (lovingly) I love you more.
A: (DEMON-SPAWN MODE) TAKE IT BACK! It's my birthday, bitch. TAKE. IT. BACK.
That time you got on top of the kindergarten playground spinning disc and things got out of hand to the point that you were running on the disc while screaming that you were too scared to get down.
That time when you didn't learn your lesson from the spinning disc and went right ahead and climbed the kindergarten jungle gym and got stuck again.
All those times that your allergy acted up and you sneezed all over me. Or when you sneezed over your hands and wiped it on me. Why? Just, why?
All those times that you had to stop and empty your shoes of pebbles because you "walk like a duck and kick up all the pebbles". Your words, not mine.
That time you had a loud full-on conversation with a pigeon asking for it's permission to take a photo.
That time you ran up to tell me that you could hear me poop from the adjacent room and that it had sounded like the Germans had started bombing again. And then you made me promise that I would never speak of this joke again. (This post is now edit-locked. Don't even try.)
And because we're here talking about all the stupid things you've done, I pulled out all stops and I gathered some stuff that I've been saving up for a while so that I could make this a list of 25 stupid things for your 25th birthday.
That time that you claimed that wearing sunglasses indoors is cool.
S: Take off that hat. You're indoors.
A: But hats are cool.
S: Okay, let me explain. Wearing a hat indoors is the same as wearing sunglasses indoors.
A: But wearing sunglasses indoors is cool.
That time your parents made you look like an idiot.
That time when Sir Campsalot made this short joke -- "Shopkeeper Ankita won't give you change because she's always short of change."
That time when LadyCampsalot made this short joke -- "Why is Ankita so quick at cutting vegetables? Because every cut is a shortcut."
That time you wasted my milkshake.
A: Gimme your milkshake.
(Proceeds to take multiple sips and makes a face like she's just been force-fed faeces)
A: This has banana in it. I don't like banana in my milkshake.
S: What part of banoffee milkshake did you not get?
A: It didn't register. (Insert nervous laugh) I'm my mother's daughter.
That time I caught you cheating on your app that reminds you to drink water.
A: (Furiously mashes button that you're supposed to press whenever you drink a glass of water)
S: What are you doing?
A: (Super shiftily) Nothing.
S: I just saw you pressing the button. I thought you were supposed to drink...
A: SHUT UP. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
S: Okay... (awkward silence)
A: I don't do this on a good day. I swear.
I caught her doing it a couple more times.
That time that you came clean that you've been lying about liking ice cream for 2 years.
A: "You remember that date where we went to some mall and you bought this really expensive ice cream? And I didn't share any of it with you? And ate all of it? And you said 'Oh wow! You really like ice cream, don't you?' Well, I hate ice cream. I pretended. I hated every bite of it. I didn't want you to think I was some sort of weirdo that didn't like ice cream. I was trying to impress you.
S: What? Why? Wait... Why did you keep it up for over 2 years?
A: I was committing to my lie.
S: (Laughs so hard that he hurts himself)
And yet again, my dearest, you have proven to me that you are one of God's own prototypes.
And before you get all mushy-mushy about what I just said, let me attach the quote from which I stole that beautiful phrase.
“There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.” -- Hunter S. Thompson
Happy 25th, my love!