Sign us up for everything!

When this blog first came into being, all I ever seemed to write about was how Shane and I sucked at adulting. We couldn't manage finances, drink responsibly, or feed ourselves like normal human beings. To be fair, we got married when we were infants. Now, we're in toddlerhood.

Toddlerhood in our marriage is the phase when we know where the bottles are kept and can pick up bits and bobs off the floor and shove them straight into our mouths every once in a while when we get hungry. We haven't got to the potty training yet but as they say, baby steps.

In 2015, we were hippies. But by the end of 2016, a certain incessant eye twitch caused one of us to reevaluate all our life choices and start putting some systems in place to ensure our survival. Systems that we could afford simply because we were born into the generation where almost every problem in the world can be solved by the power of the internet. Systems that go by the name of subscription services.

We got one for food first because that's the area where most of the 'adulting fails' seemed to be happening. We realised that we were so incapable that if we bought a bunch of onions and peppers for one dish, we wouldn't know what to do with the leftovers once we were done cooking. And speaking of leftovers, we never had any. Ever. Because we failed to figure out what to do with them over time so we would either stay up all night finishing all the food we cooked or cook just enough for two people. There was once a time when all we could manage to do with ease was marinate chicken and shove it in the oven until it was crispy. We would then have that chicken with microwaved tortilla wraps that served as makeshift chapatis. We survived on just that dish for about two months. If I ever see baked chicken and tortillas again, I would totally cry.

So we found a service that would deliver the exact amount of ingredients with cooking instructions right to the minute. And thus, our life started to have some meaning.

Soon after that, somehow, subscription services took over our entire existence.

Dishwasher pods? Amazon subscription.
Cleaning supplies? Subscription.
Personal care? Subscription.
Video games? Subscription.
Books? Subscription.
Condoms?

Wait, Dad? Are you still here?

Things reached a point where I wouldn't even realise that I was running out of something till it magically appeared in the mail. But sometime in the previous week, I had a little episode where I felt like artificial intelligence was going to take over my entire life and despite the number of times Shane tried to assure me that that's exactly what we want, that his idea of an ideal government would be...let's not get into that. Anyway, I decided that we had to go for at least one week without our food subscription service because who knew what our toddlerhood was going to be like? The possibilities, they could be endless.

Also, I went on their website and saw that I didn't like most of the dishes on the calendar for this week, not that it affected my decision in any way but I still spent close to an hour picking out meal plans for the next two months, so yeah.

And thus, we went "proper" grocery shopping this week to stock up on organic ingredients for easy Jamie Oliver 20 minute recipes. And we returned home with three frozen pizzas, three pre-prepared meals that could be shoved into the oven, two bags of popcorn, three bags of chips, one giant bottle of coke, three bottles of wine, a cheese platter, extra mozzarella for the pizzas, smoked German cheese to go with my wine (did I mention that we picked three bottles of wine because it had to be one for me, one for Shane, and one for the both of us to share?), a few cups of crappy Starbucks coffee, and because we're super health conscious, some Greek yogurt and granola. That last part makes me feel like a YouTube health guru.

All of that for just one week.

So final verdict: TODDLERHOOD SUCKS!

We just went batshit crazy at the store and started rampaging through all the wrong things. It had been so long since both Shane and I went nuts like that, it's almost like we missed being irresponsible and just had a relapse. So, much like toddlers, we just ran around the place, adding everything that looked shiny or remotely interesting to our shopping cart.

When Meenal came to live with us last February, she took us both to the grocery store to demonstrate adulting. She bought enough ingredients for two proper meals and a dessert for under £10 and told us that we were spending far too much on the food subscription service. But soon after she left, we got reminded of the time The Bromance took us to Waitrose to buy bread and ended up purchasing tropical fruits for £100, thus undoing the effect of Meenal's crash course. Clearly, we like The Bromance's method better but even he scoffs at our subscription services.

I feel sick. I feel so sick and wretched right now, it's the same feeling I got when I jumped a wall to escape from my Catholic college during a compulsory sporting event and landed straight in a gutter with brown stagnant bubbly tar-like substance infused with green seaweed-like substance, all of which stuck to my clothes and the gash on my foot that was oozing blood. I have seen and experienced some wretched shit in my life, y'all. All because of my own life choices.

I remember a time when my dad said that I should live close to him so that he can send me breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day and now I know why that sounded so enticing to me. My dad was offering a free food subscription service. And now 5000 miles away, in some roundabout fashion, I've come back to that option in my own way, as my only way forward.

And thus, the narrative of this blog continues to live - we cannot adult and we might just die trying.

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