If I wrote a lifestyle blog

In Winchester last month, I met a guy. Stories that start with that sentence usually end with "...and then we fell in love and blibbed blappilly blebber blapter" but this one obviously doesn't because I met The Husband at the most dreadful place on earth for me. But more on that later.

When we decided to visit the city of Winchester, we didn't know what we were going do there. We made no plans as usual, looked up nothing as usual and set off knowing only one thing - that we wouldn't leave till we ate and drank at a nice Winchester pub. That, we did. But we also did many other things. The day of our visit happened to be a) a Saturday so the farmer's market was in full swing and b) the day on which the city celebrated May Day. So while we were walking through the stalls, figuring out what we were going to have for breakfast, I saw a Momo stand. I've always been a huge fan of momos and dumplings and I'm quite positive that if I had to pick one item of food for the rest of my life, I'd pick momos. So I got myself some tasty pork momos and was about to pay when the guy at the stall said that he'd only accept payment in cash. So off went The Husband to look for a cash machine, and I was left there with the momo dude as security for the transaction. Like, if my husband were to grab this opportunity to leave me in a foreign city and run the hell away from me, I'd have to wash dishes for the momo dude for the rest of my life. That kind of security. Soon, my prospective/hypothetical future boss and I started talking and he told me that he'd spent some time last year in Delhi and we immediately bonded over a city that we both loved. But when he asked me what I did for a living and when I reluctantly told him that I was a blogger, he hesitantly asked me what kind of a blog I wrote. "It started off as a story blog where I wrote short-stories. But soon, I found myself writing about my own life and marriage. They're snippets from my life but at the end of the day, the blog is all about telling a story. It just makes a lot of sense to me to take inspiration from my own life and looks like I'm pretty good at making a fool of myself on the internet.", I said.

"Thank God!", said he. "When you said you were a blogger, to be perfectly honest, I was a bit scared. I mean, there are just too many of those (blogs) out there. Fashion and beauty and all that."

"Oh, I could never write a lifestyle blog. That would put me to sleep."

And immediately after, he took down the link to my website and promised to read it. So dear friend from the momo stall, if you're reading this, this one's for you. Because you got me thinking about our conversation and I decided to tell my readers what would have happened had I been a lifestyle blogger. So here goes nothing.

Lessons to take away from my lifestyle (blaaaahg):

  • Stay in bed till the last possible second because you need time to process the day ahead of you. Eat, sleep, poop, repeat. Adulting is hard.

  • Sleep-walk to the kitchen before brushing your teeth in the morning and justify that action by telling yourself that dentists have been heard saying that having your breakfast before brushing your teeth in the morning is okay as long as you brushed the night before.

  • Ignore the fact that you forgot to brush the night before.

  • Or the morning before the night before. Just kidding. Or am I?

  • Blame the weather for not shaving your legs, and not exercising, and not cleaning, and not eating, and not sleeping, and for overeating, and over-sleeping, and over-sharing on your blog. Because all small talk begins with the weather and you suck at small talk anyway so fuck it.

  • Learn to arrive like seemingly logical conclusions by bullshitting your way through everything in life. Refer point above.

  • Speaking of conclusions, learn to burn calories by jumping to conclusions because jumping jacks take real effort.

  • Try to open a packet of bacon in a particular way. Because if it's opened any other way, the packet might just blow up in your face or worse, force you to accept that you might have a problem.

  • Fail at tearing out baking sheets by giving yourself paper cuts because showing early signs of being a failure at general life-skills is important for your overall failbeing.

  • Obsessively clean kitchen counters and lick them afterwards because how can one get into the right mood to cook if the kitchen doesn't look inviting and clean? The licking is just a way of showing love because deep down, you wish you were a dog.

  • Avoid cooking in your clean kitchen because it's pretty now and let's just leave it that way, shall we?

  • Set goals for yourself. Compete with your former self and try to improve your lifestyle. For example, the weekend before last, I stayed in bed all day and got up only to pee. Last weekend, I didn't even pee.

  • Disrespect all the pairs of testicles spectacles in the house because it's always essential to assert dominance wherever you go.

And finally,

  • Spend every waking hour reading blogs and watching Youtube videos on "Types of Mops". I know so much about mops, it's insane. Every home needs a Vileda Spray mop. It's a life saver.

On that note, please read my blog everyday. Pretty please with a cherry on top.

COMMENTS