I Open My Mouth and my Mother Comes Out

15 things I say to The Husband which prove that I have successfully turned into my mother without even becoming a mother:

  1. How is it that the kitchen magically turns into a mess the second you enter?

  2. The Golden rule - clean up as you go. Never leave a mess for later.

  3. If you can't HELP, then at least don't create a bigger MESS. Just stay out of my way.

  4. People should be able to come to our house without a warning and it should still look presentable. Running to your room to clean up the minute someone arrives is a sign (of weakness!!) that you lack discipline.

  5. How dare you waste the food on your plate when there are so many children out there who don't even get one square meal? You're in a position of privilege to be able to be picky about food. (Complete with frowning and a disgusted expression)

  6. Wow! If only you showed half this enthusiasm in your studies (replace "studies" with "chores" in my version). Your favourite celebrities are not going to help you pass that test (replace "celebrities" with "games" and "pass that test" with "clean up").

  7. Don't. No. Not there. Not there either. STOP YOU USELESS FOOOOOL! Do you know where anything belongs in this house? How will you ever manage on your own?

  8. Don't drag your feet across the floor when you walk. I can hear you approaching from a mile away. Walk like a lady.

  9. No. Biting. Nails. STOP.

  10. One foot in front of the other. How hard can that be. Walk like a LADY. Not like a duck. CAREFUL!!!!

  11. Sit up straight. You're hurting your back. Hush. I don't care that it doesn't hurt now. You will thank me when you're 50.

  12. Stop. Shaking. That. Foot. I. Will. Chop. It. Off.

  13. If you're watching this with me to pass smart comments all the time, don't watch it at all. GO TO YOUR ROOM.

  14. Did you find some gold inside? No, no please continue digging your nose. WHEN will you grow up?

  15. You will learn your lesson when I'm not around to clean up after you. One day you will learn and that day you will also learn to appreciate my value.

So now we all know who is to blame. I fear to think of what will happen when I squeeze a baby out of me some day. That poor, poor kid.

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