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For Horrible People (Period)

Last year, on this day, he popped the question and I said yes. I should have remembered that. Unfortunately, it was Facebook that reminded me. And when I told him this, he just looked confused for some time and went, "Meh.". I should be feeling guilty for not remembering such an important day, especially considering how I pride myself in being good with dates. It could kick in any minute now. Turns out, my mother also went, "Meh.". OH C'MON PEOPLE!

In an attempt to feel festive about the day on which two horrible people got engaged, I decided to pay tribute to all the horrible people in our lives (here, our = The Husband and I, in case you were wondering). So, this post is solely dedicated to them horrible folks. And horrible people play Cards Against Humanity, if you didn't already know that. Don't believe me? Check out this nice Instagram worthy, symmetrical, photogasmic (#fail) photograph I took this morning:

It has everything it needs - a candle, some dried flowers, a crystal, a cutesy book, AND the star of the show - The Game. But it's still a fail.

Now go back and read what's written under "Cards Against Humanity". Believe me now?

Disclaimer: Continue reading if and only if you're a grown-ass adult who sees a joke as a joke, depravity as depravity, and types "LOL" in full caps without moving a muscle on your resting-bitch-face. If you're the kind of goody-two-shoes who likes to sit on a high horse, waiting to get offended on the internet, then I'm mentally sending you the image of "a thousand Scottish warriors lifting their kilts in unison". Wondering where I got that insult from? You guessed it.

So here's a random list of 10 funny/depraved winning card combinations from when we played The Horrible Game for Horrible People, with a few horrible friends, on a not-so-horrible Saturday evening, in our horrible living room (I have outdone myself here):

  1. What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?
    It was a tie between: Tentacle porn and Holding down a child and farting all over him.

  2. White people like ___________.
    Again, a tie between: German dungeon porn and Drinking out of the toilet and eating rubbish.

  3. What gives me uncontrollable gas?
    Auschwitz.

  4. What did the US airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?
    A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings.

  5. Here is the church
    Here is the steeple.
    Open the doors
    And there is ___________.
    A tie between: Child abuse and A gentle caress of the inner thigh.

  6. The school trip was completely ruined by _______.
    Homeless people.

  7. What helps Obama unwind?
    Cottaging.

  8. _____________: kid tested, mother-approved.
    Paedophiles. A close second was, Coat hanger abortions.

  9. Dear Agony Aunt,
    I'm having some trouble with _____________ and would like your advice.
    Permanent Orgasm-Face Disorder.

  10. What don't you want to find in your Kung Pao chicken?
    Daddies Brown Sauce.

I'm sorry if you didn't find any of them funny or worse, didn't get some of the jokes. However, if you found a small smile forming on the corners of your resting bitch-face, God bless your dirty mind. As for the horrible people who played the game, we're sure we're going to hell. Oooooooooh yeah!

Happy Engagement Anniversary to us!

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