December Braindump

Heloooooo, you beautiful people! I hope you're having a wonderful Wednesday, wherever you are.

I'm going to be honest with you. I woke up in the morning with a metaphorical ache in my chest and all I wanted to do when I opened my eyes was fall back into sleep. It started on Monday, which by the way was a gooooood day. In fact, I've been having many good days of late, ever since Shane's been on holiday from work. Going off on a little bit of a tangent, here's a thought. I've heard people say all kinds of things about couples spending "too much" time together. People have advised me to never work in the same company as my partner, or be a part of the same friends group. Being raised on sitcoms that told stories of couples who found each other by being a part of the same friends group, the latter claim hardly ever made any sense. However, I must confess that I have often given some thought to the former. Is is really a bad idea to share a workspace with your partner? Will it adversely affect our happiness if we spent time together all day and all night, working on things we're both passionate about? And most of all, will there be irreconcilable differences if we didn't agree on something concerning our pet projects?

Shane's been home with me, spending every waking moment with me for the past week. I know how insignificant one week sounds in the grand scheme of things but this is where I share as I learn and grow, and this is what I learned about us. We work wonderfully well together and my normal work days are a hundred times better with him sitting by my side, staring into his laptop. I did mention that we were going to turn this into a "work holiday" and so far, we've accomplished a lot, and we're proud of ourselves. My point is, I've been having quite a few goooooood days lately.

So on Monday, when a cloud cast a dark shadow on my mood, I simply couldn't understand what was happening. All I knew was that I was seated with my husband, working on something I loved, and I just couldn't do it anymore. I excused myself from the room and tried to take a nap. Some very disturbing thoughts gave me peace and I napped well for an hour and a half. After my nap, I was feeling way more refreshed and motivated, and I even initiated to cook lunch by myself. You guys know how much I hate cooking. On a normal day, you'd never find me alone in the kitchen. But on Monday afternoon, not only did I choose to cook, but I also didn't try to get away with something easy that I could whip up in a matter of minutes. I put on my headphones, played an audiobook and made quite an elaborate meal for us. We enjoyed it over some strong tea and feel-good television. Things were starting to look good, and I'd survived that day without falling into a familiar dark hole.

Yesterday (Tuesday), this familiar feeling revisited me and I immediately opened up my phone to check the date. I understood that I was beginning to go through my notorious PMS again and identifying the fact actually helped. I got a lot done yesterday and even recorded a fun episode for the podcast but God knows that there was always something gnawing away at the back of my head. Before going to bed, things were starting to look really bad. So bad, that I even opened up my laptop and conducted a mini research on all the counseling and therapy options available to me in the NHS. Shane sat with me and helped me through the whole process because we both realised how important it was for us to never ignore any of these symptoms. I spoke to Meenal who obviously has training in the field and she gave me some homework to do, in order to help me work on myself. And then, I went to bed. Understandably, it was hard falling asleep so I resorted to staring at my phone for a while. One thing led to another and I landed on lightfortheday.com, which showed me an image with the words "Be thankful - Colossians 3:15" displayed on it. I closed my eyes and gave thanks for every little thing in my life. I started out with the big things of course - the man by my side, the love we share, the health of my parents, the support of good friends - and then proceeded to the little things - hot water, healthy food, clean clothes, a roof over my head. And just like that, I fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning like I said, "with a metaphorical ache in my chest and all I wanted to do when I opened my eyes was fall back into sleep". But I forced myself to get up, fixed myself some breakfast, spoke to my parents, and then almost tearfully spoke to Shane. He sat with me and explained all the things we were working on. He brought perspective back into my day. And just like that, my crappy mood lifted, and I found myself capable of writing today. I'm 900 words into this piece and still wondering if this braindump has given you anything of value today. I'm wondering if you'll find this even remotely interesting or helpful in any way. But all I know is this - this is a true braindump. I didn't know where this was going when I started it but it has given me perspective and peace. With all my heart, I pray for the happiness and well-being of every individual reading this post right now, even if you aren't particularly fond of me.

3 more sleeps to the New Year, everyone! Let's hope for a good one :)

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